Sometimes...Behind ME

Time to wear the mask.


Put on that smile.


Make it seem that everything’s alright.


Coz all’s not lost.


….Not yet.


So off I go.. to the world, my stage.








Sometimes I pretend to be strong and smile though my heart pains.


Sometimes I pretend to be weak and allow the world to do me favours.


Sometimes I pretend to be smart and read and think and imagine and create.


Sometimes I pretend to be stupid. These are the days I love wearing my Fasttrack glares.


Sometimes I pretend to be intelligent but I can’t understand.


Sometimes I pretend to be blonde but it’s only peroxide.


Sometimes I pretend to be fully aware of where I’m going but I’m hopelessly lost.


Sometimes I pretend to be lost but I hold His lamp that lights my path in my hands.


Sometimes I pretend to be confident, but I know that I don’t know.


Sometimes I pretend to be unaware, but I know that I know.


Sometimes I pretend to be happy, even though…


Sometimes I pretend to be sad - and am constantly amazed at the love God and my family show me.


Sometimes I pretend to be entertained, though like Solomon, I feel everything is a vanity of vanities.


Sometimes I pretend to be pious, though I wish for vanity of vanities.


Sometimes I pretend to be a writer, I play with words until like a jigsaw puzzle I know what fits where.


Sometimes I pretend to be a reader, all the while trying to stop my mind from racing ahead to figure out where it’s going.


Sometimes I pretend to be a cook. Very rare times indeed, but it does happen.


Sometimes I pretend to be a connoisseur of food. But I have a small appetite, I have no sense of smell and my taste is sub-standard.


Sometimes I pretend to be bindaas. Sorry, it’s almost 3 am, I can’t think of the English word for bindaas; and who really cares?


Sometimes I pretend to be good. Though only God and I know the utter depraved extent of my unholiness.


Sometimes I pretend to be bad. I do a decent enough job at it, but I run home to God everytime. My hiding place.


Sometimes I pretend to be a narcissistic, but I don’t love the way I look at all.


Sometimes I pretend to be self-deprecating but I can’t stop taking pictures of my self with my phonecam (read posing also).


Sometimes I pretend to be loving, but I still struggle with altruistic love, forgiveness and surrender.


Sometimes I pretend to be hard. But I can’t help loving.


Sometimes I pretend to be happy with my work. And then I realise I’m not.


Sometimes I pretend to be sad with my work. Then I’m surprised how much I’m really grateful for it.


Sometimes I pretend to be complaining, all the while giving thanks in my heart.


Sometimes I pretend to be giving thanks, all the while complaining in my heart.


Sometimes I pretend to be ambitious. But all I want is to be happy and love all those around me.


Sometimes I pretend to be simple. But I really want to be remembered forever by everyone.


Sometimes I pretend to be fashionable, when all I want is to wear my old navy blue salwar.


Sometimes I pretend to be not fashion-conscious but I check trends and I change outfits for hours before going out.


Sometimes I pretend to be very family oriented though in my mind I want to be out with my friends.


Sometimes I pretend to be without attachment. Though I know my God and my family are my backbone, my support, my stronghold.


Sometimes I pretend to be able to give everything up. But I know how weak I actually am.


Sometimes I pretend to be weak. Then I realise in Him I have everything and I need nothing more.


Sometimes I pretend to be here, but I’m not, I don’t want to be anymore.


Sometimes I pretend to be at work, but I’m here at my blog, wondering if I have new comments!


Sometimes I pretend to be happy with what I write but I know its mostly plain crap.


Sometimes I pretend to be on a higher literary level but I’m quite pleased even with my most inane blog posts.


Sometimes I pretend to be blogging because it’s my creative outlet but I constantly monitor my feeds and my hits and I smile.


Sometimes I pretend to be tech saavy about the net, but all I want to do really is just write.


Sometimes I pretend to be worldly and secular. But I remember Him always.


Sometimes I pretend to be like someone else but I know I’m myself.


Sometimes I pretend to be individualistic. But I know I’m just copying so many people.


Sometimes I pretend to be sleepy but I’m like an insomniac.


Sometimes I pretend to be awake but I’m day dreaming.


Sometimes I pretend to be planning but I’m going with the flow.


Sometimes I pretend to be going with the flow but I’m a obsessive control freak.


Sometimes I pretend to be in the present but I reminisce and I wonder.


Sometimes I pretend to be fore-sighted but I’m living in the moment, trying hard not to think.


Sometimes I pretend to be brave but I wonder what people would think about me.


Sometimes I pretend to be interested in other’s opinions of me but it doesn’t really matter.


Sometimes I pretend to be neutral but I realise it’s love.


Sometimes I pretend to be in love but I realise it’s not something that can happen as often as I’d like.


Sometimes I pretend it’s real, but I’m pretending.


Sometimes I pretend I’m pretending, but it’s real.


Sometimes I stop pretending, these are the times I am realise the depth of true love.


These are the times I realise, everything else is but a pretense.


But it’s late, I’ll go to sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll get up and start pretending again.